Digging into the Purpose Behind Your Actions

Too often you just do what you always do because that’s how you’ve always done it. This is’t good enough any more. It’s why so many people have trouble with building quality relationships. You struggle with your thoughts and feelings and then you wonder why you lose touch with friends. 

I didn’t have a serious relationship until my wife, because I had always been afraid to love and be loved. Until I was 27 years old I was afraid of love. I didn’t want to give my heart to someone and have it broken. I was afraid of the pain that might happen if other girlfriends broke up with me. It was only with my wife that I felt bold enough to declare my love to her. But why? Why had I always been so afraid?

Understanding your why starts with making time to acknowledge your behaviors and the emotions that go along with them. 

  • Why do you bite your nails when you are anxious?
  • Why do you have trouble going to sleep when you have a big presentation?
  • Why do you wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble falling back asleep?
  • Why do you get angry when you expect someone (child, co-worker, spouse, etc.) to behave a certain way and they don't behave this way? Does it usually help or hinder your relationship?

These are the types of questions that have given me the shovel to start digging deep and exploring why I feel the way that I do. That’s the beautiful thing about emotions that may not have been taught to you in school. Your emotions are always acceptable. It’s your actions around these emotions that aren’t always acceptable. Once you understand this distinction then you are free to feel any way you want. This mental freedom will help you bring the joy back into your daily life. 

I struggle with getting my boys to listen to me. They tune me out, like most kids do to their parents, and it frustrates me. It’s important that they don’t learn to tune me out because I want the best for them. I don’t want them to apply all my advice, but I do want them to listen to me, think through what I said and apply it if they think it will help them. After some time, I finally began to understand that it wasn’t my kids’ fault that they tuned me out. It was my fault.

Yep, my fault. Even when I was two feet away from my son’s ear, asking him what he wanted for dinner and he still couldn’t hear me, It was 100% my fault. I should have adjusted my tactic to grab his attention without blowing up in anger.

When I owned it, then I was able to change it.

This thought stung at first and I ignored it, but again and again it came back to me. I lectured my sons too much, especially my older one. I was worried that his eyeballs would never turn back around. Once I realized this, I was able to begin taking responsibility for my actions. I began to make improvements that worked. I used fewer words, so it would be easier for them to listen. My kids still tune me out at times, but it has gotten so much better. The same thing applies at work. If someone makes a mistake because I didn’t give clear directions, then that’s on me. Once you start working on your thoughts and emotions, you can begin to create routines to help you grow happier and stronger. The best time of day to work on these things is at night because you can utilize the great brain multiplier: 

Sleep!

You can use your sleep to build and strengthen your neural connections that will help you build the habits that will lead to clearer thinking. Try keeping a gratitude journal at the end of every day so you are putting positive thoughts into your brain before you turn out the lights. You can learn how to start and maintain a gratitude journal that will really make an impact in your life. If you want to use a physical journal that you can put on your pillow so it reminds you to write in it, you have that too. If you have any questions just let me know. I’ll be happy to help.

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